Human beings are social creatures, and we need other people. We have a biological drive toward emotional attachment in relationships.
But if this is the case, then why are relationships, especially close romantic relationships, often so difficult?
One set of answers to this perennial question lies in Attachment Theory--the study of how human being form attachments. According to Attachment Theory there are three main attachment styles: secure, anxious and avoidant.
Those with a secure attachment style are generally able to form healthy, stable relationships, but for those with anxious and avoidant styles, trouble comes knocking more often than not.
It can be a painful journey, but with self awareness and understanding of Attachment Theory, even those with anxious or avoidant styles can find lasting love
Learn more in this podcast episode I recorded with Joe Melberg:
The other episodes are really good too. :-)
I woke up this morning with a strong realization: we are all like standing wave patterns.
We--who we are, and what we represent in the world--are like standing wave patterns. Each of us has our own pattern and collectively, groups, organizations, even cities and towns, and so on have their own wave patterns made up of the all the interactions of the people and organizations who live and operate there.
For some, their wave pattern is disjointed and not very strong. Maybe it is barely distinguishable as a wave pattern at all.
But others have a very strong, very clear signal. They have clarity within themselves, little to no internal resistance, and their wave pattern is defined.
One's wave pattern can be so strong that it attracts others who resonate with one's pattern.
Each of us attracts others who resonate with our own basic energy. We each attract others who's waveform resonates with our waveform.
The resonance between us increases both of our amplitudes, allowing us to become greater than we were before.
However, our interactions with other's patters will reinforce some aspects and cancel out others. The interaction itself will create its own pattern, its own ripples.
When we have a good interaction with another person, positive characteristics are reinforced and become greater while undesirable characteristics are weakened. Our interaction can support both of us and leave us stronger--enriched by the interaction. It can also help us propagate further.
The opposite effect can also happen, so it's important to spend time with people who bring out the best in us.
What patterns are you putting out into the world? And what or whom are you attracting?
If you’re honest, do you just “want to want” a relationship? Is part of you holding back, not sure if getting into a relationship is right for you?
I recently talked with a woman who almost apologetically revealed that she had been half-heartedly going on dates with different men, but she was not enthusiastic about the process. She said she “wanted to want a relationship” but she also had a lot of hesitation about the whole thing.
If this sounds like you, I recommend you start by asking yourself, what are the main things you want, and that you don't want, in a relationship.
For me personally, especially years ago when I had just gotten out of a 12 year marriage, I wanted to be very careful not to get into another *bad* relationship, but I also had to be honest with myself and admit that for me, quality human touch and really good sex on a regular basis are super important at a bare minimum. Being happily single and celibate doesn’t work for me. But I’m also not into one night stands.
So I have experimented with various forms of relationship, from casual to polyamorous to now, exclusive with my boyfriend. I decided in my own dating process that no matter how compatible someone was with me "on paper" -- intellectually, in terms of life goals and so on--if the physical compatibility was lacking, then it was a no-go. Definitely my relationship with my boyfriend is about a whole lot more than just touch and really good sex, but a fantastic physical connection is something I'm not willing to compromise on.
Most people I help do really want a traditional committed monogamous marriage-type relationship. But that doesn't work for everyone and/or it's not the right fit for everyone at different stages of their life. In my opinion that is totally ok--it's just a matter of being super honest with yourself and others about what you do actually need and want...and what you don't want.
I recommend looking at what "relationship" means for you. Why “should” you want to want a relationship and what does that even mean?
For example, when you think of a relationship, do you picture yourself tied down and constantly catering to your partner's needs, while being left unfulfilled yourself? That's not super appealing. Why would anyone want to want that? So, if that’s what “relationship” means to you then of course you’re not sure you want a relationship. I wouldn’t want that kind of relationship either.
Maybe it’s time to come up with a new definition of relationship.
What do you actually want, and what would it mean to actually ask for what you really want?
Are there layers of self/family/society-judgement to examine and bust through?
What would be the characteristics of a relationship you would be excited to be a part of?
If you want to take this inquiry further, I have very usefull tool to help you discover what you really want and need in a relationship and in a partner. Get it HERE.
If you have questions about a relationship and want to get an intuitive tarot reading to see where things might be going, asking good questions will help you get the most out of your reading.
Ask Good Questions to Get Good Answers
In a reading, the quality of the information you receive is directly related to the quality of questions you ask.
For example, asking “Is person X my soulmate?” is not a quality question.
First of all, we all have multiple soulmates, so the person you are asking about could very well be a soulmate, but that doesn’t mean you two are destined to have a long and happy relationship. You might feel a strong connection with them because you two have a past life connection and karma to complete, not necessarily because you are meant to be together long-term.
Here are some better quality questions to ask about a new relationship or person you are interested in:
If you don’t have a particular person you are asking about, but want to know when you will meet someone special, you might ask:
These questions are much more powerful and give the opportunity for much more insight, than simply asking if a particular person is your soulmate.
I believe readings should always be positive and empowering for the person asking the questions!
Fridays at Stargazers!
Get your questions answered with a reading from Una Drake at Stargazers Bookstore in Bellevue, WA, each Friday from Noon - 6 PM!
Call 425-885-7289 to book your session today!
Or call Una at 206-491-3555 to book a telephone session.
In dating, we all have a “Zone”. Your zone is basically defined by who you are in terms of how you show up in the world and what you have to offer in the overall scope of the dating market. This is your zone. You can expand your zone, but still, we all have a zone. In understanding and accepting yourself, you understand and accept your zone.
At a baseline we all attract other people in our own zone. If you are ok with your own zone then great! Just date some of the people you are already attracting! Most dating tools and advice, including the Mini-Date Method, can help you attract people in your own zone. Dating techniques, in and of themselves can’t necessarily help you attract people in higher attractiveness zones. They can help you highlight everything that you have going for you in the best possible way, and they can help you reach a maximum number of people who are looking for what you have to offer.
When you are able to really accept who you are and where you are at in life, then a magical thing happens, suddenly other people start to see you through that lense as well. When you are at peace with yourself, and can silence your inner critic, you will find that there are a lot of very accepting people in the world. There are a lot of people who will take you at face value, no judgement...if you accept them as well, just as they are.
However, if you are not happy with the type of person you normally attract, and you want to attract people in a higher attractiveness zone, then you need to expand your own zone. You need to do the inner and outer work to be more attractive.
There are many factors that affect your zone of attractiveness. You can’t change all of the factors, but most of them you can influence. You can expand your zone by becoming much more attractive in a number of different areas as illustrated in the lists below. Even something as "superficial" as a new haircut or updating your clothing can up your overall attractiveness level. Beauty and fashion are multi-billion dollar industries for a reason, after all. Of course developing a strong character and an ability to connect with and care for others may serve you even better in terms of finding and keeping a long-term partnership.
Factors You Can’t Change
Factors You Can Influence
Guess what? Life’s not fair. That's just how it is. Some people have a much easier time in life, and in dating, than other people. But you get to decide how you are going to play the cards you have been dealt.
And here’s a little secret I’ll leave you with: happiness has everything to do with inner peace, self-acceptance and strong connections with people you care about. Luckily, these factors are accessible in any zone.
When I tell people I am a shamanic healer I often get quizzical looks. Many people have never heard the term before, and even those familiar with the phrase "shamanic healing" are often confused as to what the work actually entails.
Shaman, Shamanic Healer & Shamanic Healing Defined
This confusion is justified as there is no standard definition of precisely what shamanic healing consists of. Very simply, a shaman is one who acts as an intermediary between the physical and spiritual worlds. A shamanic healer is one who intervenes on the spiritual planes on behalf of the person seeking physical and/or spiritual healing.
Although the term "shaman" itself is Siberian in origin, there are shamanic traditions from most indigenous cultures throughout the world. Michael Harner, an American anthropologist and founder of the Foundation for Shamanic Studies, formulated Core Shamanism to make the fundamental shamanic practices common among indigenous cultures available to Western, industrialized society.
When most people today use the term "shaman", "shamanic healer", or "shamanic practitioner", they are usually referring to someone trained through a native/indigenous culture or someone trained in Core Shamanism. However, no one "owns" these terms. Today it is not uncommon for intuitive or energy healers to refer to their work as shamanic healing, although it might bear little resemblance to more traditional practices.
Please note that in pointing this out I am not advocating for the regulation of the terms "shaman", "shamanic healer", and so on. In my opinion that would be silly. The true test of any healer is the results produced in his or her clients. For shamanic healers this directly depends on his or her relationship with spirit and ability to navigate non-physical reality. A shamanic healer can be trained and initiated, but not "certified". However, when seeking out a shamanic healer, it is worth asking where they received their training and what methods they use.
Soul Retrieval: A Traditional Form of Shamanic Healing
Soul Retrieval is one traditional form of shamanic healing. Within the shamanic worldview there is the idea that one's soul can fragment and parts can be lost due to traumatic events such as car accidents, serious illness, abuse, etc. When faced with a traumatic event it is common for one's soul to leave one's body as a form of self-protection. The problem is, sometimes it doesn't all come back even when the immediate danger is past. We need all of our soul parts present in our body to function optimally in life.
Some signs of soul loss include:
During the Soul Retrieval it is the job of the shamanic healer to journey into non-ordinary reality with the aid of his or her helping spirits to find and retrieve the client's missing soul parts. Usually this is done with the client present in the room with the healer, although long-distance work is possible and effective as well.
In order to journey in non-ordinary reality, a shamanic healer will use a drum beat or other means to enter into a trance state; it is in this trance state that the finding and retrieval work takes place. Shamans and shamanic healers are adept at entering and exiting trance states in order to travel between ordinary and non-ordinary reality of the spirit world.
Once the soul part, or parts, are gathered, the shamanic healer will blow the soul parts back into the body of the client. Then the healer will relate any significant images or insights gained on behalf of the client that were received in non-ordinary reality. Many times during the process the client will have experienced imagery or sensations that directly relate to the journey of the healer, but this is not always the case.
In almost all cases Soul Retrieval leads to healthy changes in the client's life. Most people, after a Soul Retrieval, will go through a process of integration where they get used to the feeling of having their returned soul parts back in their body and actively contributing to their energy field. The integration process can take anywhere from a couple of weeks to a year or more. This often depends on how significant the soul loss was, and how long the soul part or parts were missing.
Destructive patterns and behaviours are often coping mechanisms used to deal with soul loss. When the soul parts are returned, the destructive patterns often no longer feel right or comfortable. Sometimes very significant changes need to be made in a client's life in order to accommodate being healthier, more whole and complete. Many times the return of the soul parts provides the missing ingredient for a client to make the changes he or she has wanted to make for a long time but just could not seem to accomplish before.
People sometimes ask if it is possible to do a Soul Retrieval for oneself. The answer is usually no, but it depends. Even highly skilled and experienced shamanic practitioners will seek out other shamanic healers for Soul Retrieval and other healing when they feel that it is needed. There seems to be something particularly effective about one person petitioning the spirits on behalf of another. This also allows the client to remain in an open, receptive and allowing frame of mind during the healing which is important when the soul parts are returned.
This being said, it is always possible to ask your own spiritual allies to help return soul parts to you. I remember one instance where I was a passenger in a car driving to the top of Mnt. Constitution on Orcas Island. I was with a close friend and we mostly remained silent, taking in the magical scenery. I strongly felt the intrinsic sacredness of the place and asked my spirit helpers to bring me any healing or insight that might be available. Since I was not driving I allowed myself to slip into a slightly altered state. As we wound our way up the mountain I felt myself become almost giddy with joy. I remembered instance after instance of pain from my past, situations that had been very difficult to forgive and let go. But there on that sacred mountain, in that state of joy, I was able to see those situations as separate from me and forgive everyone involved easily and without reservation. As I did so I felt soul parts returning. Little shudders ran through my body as each one came back. I did not count how many, but it was a profoundly healing experience.
If you wish to try something similar yourself I recommend finding a place that feels safe, and preferably a place where you feel connected to spirit. Having an already established spiritual practice and relationship with your personal spiritual allies helps. Talk to your spirit helpers--these could be your guides, angels, power animals...anyone who looks out for you from the spiritual realms. Reach out to them with your voice, your emotion, your thought. Let them know that you want any missing soul parts to return. If there is a specific situation in mind that you are seeking healing around, voice this as well, in specific detail. Then be quiet. Listen. Be ready to receive and absorb what your spirit helpers bring you. You may feel an emotional shift. You may have a physical sensation. You may receive insight or understanding. Or you may not feel or sense anything at all. This is ok too. You can try again another time, or spirit may choose to answer your request in a different way. Look for synchronicities and guidance that might lead to a solution you had not thought of.
Start Your Healing Process
Soul Retrieval is just one form of shamanic healing. If you are interested in finding a shamanic practitioner, it is important to find someone you trust and feel comfortable with.
Email me to discuss next steps in your healing journey.
Or book a Discovery Session!