If you’re honest, do you just “want to want” a relationship? Is part of you holding back, not sure if getting into a relationship is right for you?
I recently talked with a woman who almost apologetically revealed that she had been half-heartedly going on dates with different men, but she was not enthusiastic about the process. She said she “wanted to want a relationship” but she also had a lot of hesitation about the whole thing.
If this sounds like you, I recommend you start by asking yourself, what are the main things you want, and that you don’t want, in a relationship.
For me personally, especially years ago when I had just gotten out of a 12 year marriage, I wanted to be very careful not to get into another *bad* relationship, but I also had to be honest with myself and admit that for me, quality human touch and really good sex on a regular basis are super important at a bare minimum. Being happily single and celibate doesn’t work for me. But I’m also not into one night stands.
So I have experimented with various forms of relationship, from casual to polyamorous to now, exclusive with my boyfriend. I decided in my own dating process that no matter how compatible someone was with me “on paper” — intellectually, in terms of life goals and so on–if the physical compatibility was lacking, then it was a no-go. Definitely my relationship with my boyfriend is about a whole lot more than just touch and really good sex, but a fantastic physical connection is something I’m not willing to compromise on.
Most people I help do really want a traditional committed monogamous marriage-type relationship. But that doesn’t work for everyone and/or it’s not the right fit for everyone at different stages of their life. In my opinion that is totally ok–it’s just a matter of being super honest with yourself and others about what you do actually need and want…and what you don’t want.
I recommend looking at what “relationship” means for you. Why “should” you want to want a relationship and what does that even mean?
For example, when you think of a relationship, do you picture yourself tied down and constantly catering to your partner’s needs, while being left unfulfilled yourself? That’s not super appealing. Why would anyone want to want that? So, if that’s what “relationship” means to you then of course you’re not sure you want a relationship. I wouldn’t want that kind of relationship either.
Maybe it’s time to come up with a new definition of relationship.
What do you actually want, and what would it mean to actually ask for what you really want?
Are there layers of self/family/society-judgement to examine and bust through?
What would be the characteristics of a relationship you would be excited to be a part of?
If you want to take this inquiry further, I have very usefull tool to help you discover what you really want and need in a relationship and in a partner. Get it HERE.