Just ask. That’s the advice from Sex and Relationship Coach, Sarah McMurchie. Even if it feels awkward, just ask.
It’s important to talk about sex and by extension the sexual fantasies and porn habits of both yourself and your partner. Your sexual connection with your partner is fundamental to your success as a couple. It’s something you want to get right. While sexual connection is not the only thing to look for in a partner, in my experience sexual connection is something you either have or you don’t with a partner. And it’s best to find out sooner rather than later what your partner really wants or *doesn’t* want in bed.
As we were discussing this interview, Joe commented, “Oh yeah I remember you asked me about that right away!” I practiced what I preach and, years ago, as Joe and I got closer in our relationship, I wanted to make sure we were on the same page with no secrets lurking under the bed. Having been through the experience of being in a relationship previously with a partner who was more turned on by porn-inspired fantasies, than by real *me*, I was determined to not make that mistake again. So yes, I asked, and our conversation helped my trust Joe more.
Although it may feel awkward to talk about, especially if you haven’t been dating very long, starting this conversation can build trust and intimacy in your relationship. And it can potentially give you some early warning signs if you and your partner are not sexually compatible. In an ideal scenario, you and your partner share about what you like and you both are into the same things and the conversation builds trust between you. However you may find that your partner has some interests or fantasies that are *not* things you are comfortable doing.
It’s very important to have an honest discussion to find out if your partner will feel deprived or unsatisfied if you are never able to provide him or her with a fulfillment of their particular sexual desires. You don’t need to make your partner feel judged for what they want. It probably took a lot of courage for them to honestly share with you what they fantasize about. On the other hand it’s important to maintain your own boundaries and don’t allow yourself to get pressured into doing something you don’t want to do, just to please your partner.
Now you can still practice what Dan Savage calls being Good, Giving and Game, but you should never allow a partner to pressure you into doing something you’re really not into, or that makes you feel used or taken advantage of. In fact if you are feeling pressured in any way by your partner, especially sexually, that is a huge warning sign, and most likely an indication that you should consider leaving the relationship.
The video below are two clips from my recent Love Atlas Talks interview with Sex and Relationship Coach, Sarah McMurchie. To see the full interview, go and register at The Love Atlas Talks.